Sea of Mind

Truly Believing

2005-09-06T17:32:00.000+08:00

The children's story books always imply, "If you believe, anything could happen." Yes, the power of believing. What is believing? Is it as simple as black and white? Is it just a matter of yes or no? To believe or not to believe? Is that the only question?

If it's not. Then, what's the measure of believing? A little? A lot? Does it matter?

Come to think of it...

Believing can't stand alone. It has to walk hand in hand with persevering. It has to face the test of time. And hardships.

If you believe in one thing one day, and totally stop believing in it the next day, can you call yourself a believer? I guess not. Yet, it is exactly the problem we are facing everyday. We believe in God one happy day, and accuse Him when troubles start coming. Many times, we lock Him inside the prayer tower and we don't bring Him home with us. Other times, we isolate Him in church and keep Him away from our daily routines. What does it make us into? A Sunday morning believer? After Sunday morning is over, we're back into our own ways, backstabbing, badmouthing, gossiping, cursing, hating each other, unforgiving, keeping our hard feellings and sharing them in blogs or through instant messengers, and swearing.

One happy day, we believe in Romans 8:28. And 1Corinthians 13. But throughout weekdays, we take our old wicked ways to respond to whatever things come to us - or thrown at us.

Yeah... we're a believer. But I guess there are so much more we should learn about believing.

Switzerland!

2005-08-05T00:45:00.000+08:00

No no... I am not going there. Maybe one day, one fine day.

As I wondered where to have my lunch that day, my phone vibrated and I looked at the number. Weird number. Not stored inside my SIM card. Where is it calling from? Is it a headhunter that want to hire me to work at somewhere?

"Hello.. it's me, how are you?"
"Hello. What a surprise!! Where are you now?"

"Switzerland! I love it here"
"Alright. Seems you are having fun there. What are you doing this early? It's 6am"

"We're leaving for Paris soon. So just get things ready and say hi to you"

And for the next 8 minutes, it was a nice chat.

"Would you please pray for me? You know, I am going to London after Paris. I'm scarred"
"I will. You will be fine, ok? Don't worry, you gonna have a good time with mum. Is she doing well?"

"She's doing well. Eh, thanks!"

Might not be the same action, but someone somewhere is thinking of you. Someone is trying to reach you with any GSM network available. Someone wants you to pray for him/her. Someone needs you. Someone cares for you.

Be there for them :)

Thanks for your care. God protects you always.

Deserve..

2005-08-04T23:51:00.000+08:00

Deserve in one of its meaning could be "to be worthy"

Knowing these 2 ladies are from NKF, I bumped into them and asked "Is everything OK at the office?" Newspaper said it is a NKF saga. The former CEO paid out was considered too much for a charity organization by the public. How well the public know that he didn't deserve that much? How well they know him, in what he was doing, in how he did the administration? Well, I myself don't know much about that.

One fact for sure, it has a reserve funds enough for a 30-year operation. The statement has answered me all the questions above. It took a lot of energy to achieve that result. It doesn't come from a person without vision. A well-planned execution is needed. Right and proper actions are the keys.

Whose fault is this? He did his job. The board did his job. The journalist did her job. The toilet man also did his job. The public? I should say the public does the job 30 years in advanced.

"He has 22-year experience to run this organization. He is dedicated and caring. He went to work everyday, and he took sacrifice of spending time with his family. It is so something, you know", one of them said.

"He deserves it. I mean he deserves what he get". Still a bit confuse on her face, I continued "The salary, he deserves it."

"Why do you have such thinking, Sir? Many people failed to understand the situation out there."

"Simple, I see the dedication. For being able to achieve 30-year reserve is an excellent job. Plus, I can see how many times he had to miss the family dinner just to attend some cases that needed his special attention. Not an easy decision."

On the other world, not an easy decision too for an old man to donate a bit of what he has to support other people in need, though he really needs it too. And only later to find out, the donation goes for some other things. Not an easy decision.

Things have to be rationalized. It isn't easy to judge. So, please do not judge.

Afterall, he is just doing his job...

Be strong people.

For better for worse

2005-07-25T15:17:00.000+08:00

A big mistake. Or so I thought. We were sitting in the train. No conversation. I didn't bring my book and there was nothing to keep me busy. I looked around. A pair of Korean ladies were having a conversation in words I didn't understand. And a couple of lovers were playing with each other's fingers at the far end of the train. Boring.

So my mind started to wander and it stirred my heart. About the big mistake, I asked him.

"Were you disappointed with me?" I threw the question. I waited for a yes, or a no. Nothing. No accusation, no justification. So I asked again, "Were you disappointed with me?" I waited. Almost in tears, I confronted him, "Lord, answer me. Were you...?"

It was a silent struggle. Until I heard his voice.

"It doesn't matter. Even if I am, will I ever leave you? Even if I am, will I stop loving you? Even if I am, will I stop pursuing you? Even if I am, will I let you go?"

I was crushed.

"No. I will not. You will still be my desire. My love. I will never leave you. I will always be in love with you. I will pursue you wherever you go. I will not and will never ever let you go."

"I will betroth* you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me
In righteousness and justice, In lovingkindness and mercy." (Hosea 2:19)

"I'm madly in love with you. My girl."

Speechless, I walked out of the train. Holding my heart ever so tightly. I fell for him again. The only one. The incomparable.

_____________________________

betroth: to promise "by one's truth"; to promise to give in marriage. Men and women were betrothed when they were engaged to be married. This usually took place a year or more before marriage. From the time of betrothal the woman was regarded as the lawful wife of the man to whom she was betrothed.

Crown of Creation

2005-07-22T15:25:00.000+08:00

Weren't we created like Adam and Eve? Wasn’t I molded right beside you while you were asleep? Weren’t we of the same dusts, the same bone, on the very same hands?

It was a bright white morning and you lied down on the golden grass. The water was glowing like the finest gold and diamonds. And in the air, in the wind, in the sounds of little birds, all I can feel and breathe is love.

Like the air that brought the summer breeze that day, I felt your warmth inviting me to come close. The joy of falling in love came into me, like the tingling feeling inside your stomach, the one that makes you smile out of nowhere, the one that makes you breathe long and deep just to calm the corner of your heart that quivers.

I knew that very moment that ‘all I am’ was created for you – irreplaceable. You and I, we were like one, but not yet one. It was not time nor the season. Thus, that moment was the last time I saw you.

We were separated, by time and space, and who knows what. Yet somehow I believe that each night you would remember me, while you are resting by the riverside, on the huge boulder, under a million stars. While you’re looking up to the moonlight, reminiscing... the day when the light was bright white.

A song of your heart flies with the wind – a sweet sound that will reach me one day…

"Asleep I was, but I could feel her fingers running through mine, embracing the palm of my hand. I sensed the fragrance of her hair and the warmth of her skin while she lied down next to me. That day my loneliness just melted away like snow on summer day. Such a stunning summer day it was. Then, the dawn of the next sunrise took her far from me. And on my own again, I was left... until one summer day I’ll see her again."

Reminiscence

2005-07-13T00:43:00.000+08:00

Have you ever slept at night dreaming about the day that has just passed? Reminding. Recalling. Reminiscing. It's like you're still there. And the memory just can't leave you. It sticks to the very essence of your brain. It's like doing it again and again, seeing it, experiencing it far too many times. 'Till you get sick of it. A supposedly beautiful memory becomes an annoying stale history.

I guess I'm still in the shadow of the last battle now - though I've slain the dragon. I'm stuck in a dream that binds me so close. I'm being reminded again and again... of my victory and my lost. I'm losing my heart if I stay like this. No, don't let me stay like this. Bring me forth, set me free, wake me up... from the long and winding dream.

I wanna be ready for my next adventure, sneaking out the tower for a day or two.

My true Slayer, help me escape this...

Positive

2005-07-05T23:40:00.000+08:00

Being positive is a good attitude as far as I can see. Sometimes, I struggle a lot to try to see something in a positive way. Things are just not as obvious as it seen. But we are just human, what can we do?

Still remember the story of chasing butterfly? If you keep chasing it, it won't come near you, but if you just sit down still, it will come. It works best sometimes "without" trying.

Recently, I understand why God put me in Singapore, not in other place, i.e. Sydney. He teaches me not to envy anybody for being sent there. He shows me how much I am blessed, and how much blessings I can be for being here, with all my brothers and sisters in Christ. The happiness, joy, laughter, thanksgiving surround me. I am just so thankful to have these revealed. For the moment, I stunned there, speechless as to witness God's goodness. One day in the house of the Lord, is better than thousand days elsewhere.

Be grateful for what we are. If we have ability to read this, millions of people don't have a chance to learn how to. If we are still alive at this moment, there are purposes made for us to achieve. God isn't that far. He is with us in everything we are going through. Always. And Always.

Thanks everyone for being with me. Thanks everyone for the chance given to me to be blessings for you. Thanks bro Henry for the continuous support. Thank God for the purposes set on us.

If Only I Could Turn Back Time

2005-06-20T01:48:00.000+08:00

Ever heard this song titled "If Only I Could Turn Back Time?" If I am not mistaken, it is sang by Aqua.

Anyway, time always looks forward, history does the opposite direction. I read an email about "spending time". A man left a note or something to his friend, and this statement touched him "Thank you for your time". He was attending his funeral. Later, he cancelled his appointments to spend more time with his family.

Yesterday was Fathers' Day. Children at church sang a song for this occasion. And again "time" was mentioned in the song. Time is expensive, because you can't buy it. Once you intend to buy money, you probably go to the nearest ATM and withdraw a few thousands dollars. By the time you are ready to buy time (which you can't do), you have lost so much time. So much time is put in vain.

Time is expensive, treasure it with the people you love.
Time is expensive, spend it wisely.

I realize the value of time even more, now. In every job application letter I send, I would say thank you for reviewing my application. That's one of the most precious gifts you can receive.

***

Grace is another precious gift. It itself is a gift. It is more than a gift indeed. A gift is something you deserve on some occassion, e.g. birthday party, wedding celebration, etc. But grace, it is someting you do not deserve, and yet you receive it. Isn't it wonderful?

End of my 2 cents today, I would like to thank you for your time, reading my thoughts.

Monday blues!

2005-06-07T00:22:00.000+08:00

"Always look at the brighter side of life"

It was an ideal busy Monday. With an initial team meeting in the morning, followed by a lot of follow-ups and follow-downs. Coloured with a lot of defences from politicians. It was just another day at work.

But, the paradigm has changed. Whatever I do, I do it for God. Every single little task, is meant to give Him glory and honour.

As time past, lunch break was around the corner. I went to the canteen to have my meal taken away. As time past, more things were waiting for me to be accomplished. I had committed to attend the prayer meeting that night. There I left office at 8pm, and arrived church by 8.30pm.

And guess what? I entered the wrong hall. The audiences look different last night. And yes, I was in the wrong hall. Wondering what I will receive in the future because I signed up the attendance list, with my email listed there.

With an empty stomach, I arrived in the small chapel. God, thank you for bringing me there, and keep me alive. Things are tough, but I understand the purpose. It isn't easy, and yet it must be achieved. It is only by His grace.

I had to arrived home early that night. So I took cab home. It wasn't easy to hail a cab in CBD around 10pm. After meeting my landlady, I went to nearby community centres, to find only fast food was available. I bought 2 burgers home.

That night, I learned that when you visit someone in a hospital, it is a win-win situation. The patients you visit may be blessed with your prayers, concerns, blessings. But they also can give you encouragement, new insights, new strength.

That night, I was so tired, very very tired. At the time I needed someone to pray for me, my phone rang. It was pastor. He prayed for me. God is so good, all the time.

I guess, after this, I still have a little time to continue chapter 2.

All the things happened in the past, present, and future, God involves in all of them.

In His mighty Grace...
tanjaya.tan

A love worth giving (chapter 1)

2005-06-06T02:33:00.000+08:00

I have just finished reading the first chapter of "A Love Worth Giving" by Max Lucado. The main message is telling us the loving for God's love. While Simon failed at once, the woman in Luke 7:40-47 made it.

As human nature, sometimes when we have it, we take it for granted. Back to the story of grace, we don't deserve it, yet it is given.

End of the chapter, quoting 1 Cor 13:4-8, reminds me of a song sang in my Primary 1 class.

"Kasih itu sabar murah hati, tidak cemburu
Tidak sombong dan tidak berbuat
Hal yang tidak sopan
Tak mencari keuntungan
Tak suka marah
Tak hitung salah orang lain
Hanya suka pada kebenaran
Kasih menutupi dan percaya
Berpengharapan
Sabar menanggung s'gala sesuatu
Kasih tak ber'sudahan"

So come. Come thirsty and drink deeply. To be continued...

2005-06-05T22:44:00.000+08:00

Roses are Red

I am back!

2005-06-04T23:13:00.000+08:00

After a long while I am out of blogging, I am back!

I am truly blessed by God's word through Ps. Aries yesterday, June 3. The living word spoken to me. We are indeed more than conquerors!!

I enjoyed being involved in a lot of activities. I tries as much as I could, to maximize the talent that God has grant me. I enjoyed being involved in library ministry. It is such a blessing.

Today, I was discussing business with a Malaysian woman I've just met. We talked a lot of things regarding a business model. To be straight and honest, it is MLM. After sometime, I asked her this question,
"Are you aware of this concept: you do nothing, and yet you receive it ?"
"There's no such thing"
"Yes, there is. Would you like to know?"
"Sure"
"It is called grace!"

As I mentioned it, I looked at myself how God has blessed me all this time, and all the time!! I deserve nothing, and yet I receive a lot. How blessed is that? Thank you Lord!

It's already June. 5 months of 2005 have passed. I emailed my HR director today to express my interest for overseas assignment. I pray God to put me at the right time at the right place to be blessings for people. I have been looking for overseas assignment long time ago. Normal working routine makes me bored. I need changes, maybe every 3 months ;)

Today, my purchase of laptopjected, due to credit card out of balance, haha... Funny story. I wonder how the sales team thinks about me. Maybe something like this "No money still wants to buy a laptop?" Anyway, no worries about it. I will settle it fine.

Sunday is coming. Things are getting excited towards the completion of my project development phase. God, allow me to go to Sydney again. But let Your will be done!

"Come what may, everything will be alright"

A Woman Who Loves You

2005-05-29T23:56:00.000+08:00

A woman who loves you
may hate your dirty messy room,
but she's willing to help you clean it

A woman who loves you
offers to pay for the date once in a while,
but she lets you pass the money
as if you're the one who pay

A woman who loves you
may not be someone who can cook,
but she always wants to cook something special
for you

A woman who loves you
may not like sports,
but she always takes joy watching you play
(and taking bruises when the ball hits her =P)

A woman who loves you
hates being the third or fourth wheel
but she tries to fit into your pool of friends

A woman who loves you
doesn't want to be apart from you,
but she still lets you chase your dreams

A woman who loves you
knows your weaknesses,
but she always thinks you're the strongest

A woman who loves you
doesn't mind if you cry,
'cause that's when she knows your heart is hers

A woman who loves you
always believe that you can make it,
though you don't have faith in yourself

A woman who loves you
doesn't tie you by her side,
but she nurtures you to grow and move forward

A woman who loves you
may not understand what's in your head,
but always tries to

A woman who loves you
helps you to consider,
but she always lets you choose

A woman who loves you
may not always trust your judgment,
but she always supports you

A woman who loves you
doesn't push you to fit her standard,
but her standard fits you and grows with you.

A woman who loves you
doesn't dig out your past,
but she always believes you're a better person

A woman who loves you
doesn't really care about status,
'cause what she wants is your commitment

A woman who loves you
doesn't need to know when,
'cause she is looking at being with you forever

A woman who loves you
is willing to say sorry
when it's not even her fault

A woman who loves you
gives you time and space
even at the risk of losing you

A woman who loves you
will not ever ever want you to leave,
but she lets you go anyway

'cause she knows...
there's always a glimpse of her love
in everything in you

Take me away

2005-05-17T00:07:00.000+08:00

Take me away to a place...
where you can be honest and true about yourself
where you put down your masquerade and put on your true heart
where you say and tell and do the truth

where life doesn't wear you out and tear you down
where the past does not hunt you and keep you captivated
where you are not afraid nor scared of the future
where you can dig deep down and find a fountain in you

where you keep your soul pure and white as snow
where you use your heart and don't depend on your head
where you dare to dream and hope and fight for it
where you know you're alive and live to the fullest

where you are not a coward nor a quitter
where you let down your guard and learn to trust
where you know you're not the only one in the battlefield
where you cherish those who push and cover your back

In my hopes, in my wishes, that place ain't too far away
If you let me pat your back, I might help you find your way
And maybe I'll trust you again whatever people may say
If only we get there, I know we'll get there... someday

2005-05-09T02:33:00.000+08:00

Happy 23rd Birthday Linda!

Dance with my Father

2005-05-08T21:04:00.000+08:00

Twas a battle of a brokenhearted
Twas a second chance
Through it all His hands held me
So tight He didn't let me be shaken

Twas a victory He gave me
Twas a captured heart set free
The wounded soldier walked home
So longing to see the Father

Twas my hand towards heaven
Twas me calling out His name
With a broken heart and a broken soul
Of His goodness and grace and love

Twas a sudden He walked down to me
Twas tears rolled down my face
For He had answered my call
He was so close I could feel Him
He was so near I could touch Him

Twas His face before my nose
Twas my heart shivered inside
'Cause into His arms He invited me
Took my hands and drew near
And slowly led me in His steps

To the left and to the right...

We danced.

Care

2005-05-07T17:06:00.000+08:00

"... because I care how you are doing"
"You don't have to care. You just ask how am I, and that's it" was the reply.

That makes me wonder in today's world, is people urged not to be cared about? What kind of society will be formed if everyone doesn't want to be cared by others? If we can live by ourselves (read: alone), why others exist? Why God created Eve? Because God saw it was not good for a man to be alone (Gen 2:18).

Have I cared too much about her? I picked up the call at 3am in the morning just to calm her down. I prayed for her well-beings. I lend her a few hundred dollars so that she can settle her bills. I am just being helpful, and I am just being myself to care about people around me.

And now, I live in a world of misunderstandings. Being myself is no longer an easy task to achieve. At some points, I don't know how to show that I care anymore.

Afterall, I still just want to be myself. Forgive me if I care too much. I promise to never ask more than "How are you?"

Grand me your wisdom oh God...

To my brothers in Christ

2005-04-25T13:57:00.000+08:00

Sometimes He lets you stray so that you know that He would go the distance for you in any ways and at any time possible.

He won't lose you, brothers! He's such an excellent Shepherd!

Imperfection

2005-04-25T12:53:00.000+08:00

Everybody is looking for someone perfect.
Who can deny that?
In that part, I am also guilty...

But, one thing God taught me... "Why look for someone perfect?
You won't be looking perfect beside him!"

He's right!

Look for someone imperfect whom you can make perfect with your existence.
Look for someone who can make you perfect with his existence,
even though you're imperfect.
Then you two will be a perfect match... a match made in heaven...
one is not perfect without the other.

Easy to say?

Well, at least now I know what kind of treasure I am looking for...
I'm looking for a treasure I know I could love, keep and take care of,
not something too big to handle.

I'm looking for an empty space which I can fill.
I'm looking for an incomplete growth which I can nurture.
I'm looking for an imperfection which I can make perfect.

So in every way, I am perfect beside him.
And in every sight, he is perfect beside me.

Someone to complete and someone to make me complete.

Being nervous feels great!

2005-04-23T10:07:00.000+08:00

This morning I had a dream. In that dream, I was a bride, a tall one - strangely... maybe it was the effect of the long beautiful silky part of the gown. And I was even more beautiful than the gown as I could remember. It was my dream gown. I can still picture it.

I was nervous. The day was hectic and I didn't know what thing should go next. But, as long as I could remember... I was a happy princess. I felt like a princess for a day. I rushed here and there before the gown was put on, trying to find a room to do my make-up and stuff. Hahaha... I was a darn nervous girl. But again, I was the happiest princess on earth. I can still remember how I felt... funny.

There were friends and family. My colleagues (amazingly... they are directors and some TV producers... wow! What a job I had that time!) There were my loved ones. My mom and dad. Some people I don't even know, maybe relatives of the groom. They were panic indeed. Hahaha... It was so unorganised! I didn't even remember planning a wedding! But again, I was the happiest princess of the day....

And the gown was put on, finally. I was waiting to come out and show it to everyone. For the first time in history... I felt like a real princess, a flawlessly beautiful one. Tall, with bright tanned skin, not skinny anymore - but still slim, elegant faced - a face of a successful career woman in her young age... I think I had my hair twisted up... strange, I have never planned to do so. But well, there I was, much more beautiful than the lady in the bridal magazines... I was stunning. And it was me! Not anybody else! I was happy. I was smiling. No, wait. I was laughing! I felt the glory of God all over me and it made me shiver... with joy, uneasiness, nerve-wrecking feelings. It was overwhelming. I was nervous. I jumped up and down while talking to someone. And I kept toying with the ring my mom gave me while I said, "Gosh... I am so nervous!" So extremely nervous. But it was a great feeling!

And finally it was time, the groom... yes, maybe this is the part you've been waiting for. Well, I can't tell you who I think or I wish he was. I didn't even clear about his face. All I can tell you is this, he's tall, he's handsome, he's simply a perfect match... someone I have longed for for as long as I could remember. Well, he is not Jesus - no, this is not a look at the future of the second coming, I suppose. No... he's humanly perfect. But, he's... simply amazing.

I stood next to him. Then... I woke up! Hahaha... silly girl! I didn't even get to the part where I should say 'I do'. But, well... I didn't try to sleep again to see the ending like I do everytime that I have a nice dream. No... partly because I don't want to see it ends. I relived the dream as much as I could and it became so real. I felt it in my heart. I felt it in my skin... the nerve-wrecking moments, the running around, the joy, the fun, even the gifts. My heart leaped and skipped a beat. Boy... I don't think I need a detailed planning for my wedding anymore. It will still be perfect anyway. Because of the groom? Because of the gown? Because I was beautiful? Huh... who cares? Everything is simply perfect in its time. That, I know! And being nervous feels good sometimes...

One thing for sure

2005-04-22T14:04:00.000+08:00

Say there's nothing certain on earth
No such thing as 100% pure
Ain't no promise holds true
And nobody you trust wholeheartedly

But, there's one fact you can't deny,
it is certain and it holds true

You can't reach the star
if you don't work hard to fly...

Looking out to the sky

2005-04-21T13:33:00.000+08:00

Have you ever seen a sky so white?
Perfect white.
Not even a single spot of blue.
When I saw it, all I can think of is the love I have for you.
How I wish somehow you could see it,
and never give up on me...

Then, the sky turned to grey.
Perfect grey.
Not even a single spot of white.
When I saw it, all I can think of is my feelings right now.
How I wish somehow you would stand,
and fight your demon for me...

Now the sky is bright.
Bright white. Bright blue.
And it's getting brighter.
When I see it, all I can think of is our future.
How I wish somehow it would be this bright,
and I have all my faith on it.

..tie a yellow ribbon...

2005-04-11T10:09:00.000+08:00

Thank you, but I treat you as my friend and brother, said she.

I was preparing for my sermon in JC - The Prodigal Son - and gonna tell them a story about a story of a prodigal man who abandoned his wife and asked for forgiveness from her. If you forgive me, tie a yellow ribbon on the old oak tree. He saw a hundred yellow ribbons at that day.

Like the Father ran fast to the prodigal son, not giving a chance for him to bargain his salvation. Hugged him. Showered him with kisses.

When Kong Hee told this story, thousands clapped their hands. When I shared in JC, it was so quiet. I felt at least I have imitated about 80% of Kong Hee, though :) --ha, ha, ha to think that now the church leader has been complaining that the church members have been 'jajan' to other church. ha-ha-ha...:)

But still I am holding my breath whenever I hear my own voice telling the story of the Father ran for the son.

Hillsongs sang:
Come to the Father, though your gift is small, broken heart...

Hmm...this is the third time, a girl said that she prefered to be my sister and friend.

Broken heart. Hmmm...
Father ran to me... hmmm....

Monday blues

2005-04-04T22:06:00.000+08:00

5 minutes past since March 5, 2005 in Sydney.

Hi bro and sis,
I'm back to blog this time. A long and tiring day at work... During the past 4 weeks here, work is tough. What happened is, I had 'clash' with a colleague, almost all the time. From my point of view, whatever I do, it is always considered wrong or not correct. Whatever I say, it is always considered not wise. What is correct? Who defines the standard? Not easy questions.

Can you imagine a situation where you are not allow to guess on an issue, and you are also not allow to not knowing anything about it? That's what happened to me. Whatever you do, it is just wrong to the somebody.

So far so good, I accept all the 'madness' arrowed to me. I keep myself cool, and keep myself in control. I apply the "Silent is gold" rule, and I keep giving thanks whatever happen to me.

This trip in fact is a very unexpected trip for me. The night before I left Singapore, I couldn't sleep. As usual, I used my Windows Media Player as alarm. I set it at 6am, and went to bed at 4am.

At 6.15am, I woke up, and found out WMP was not playing any songs, because it was in a pause mode. I am amazed by this, I believe it was God who woke me up. Else, I had screwed up all the schedules that had been arranged. God's works are really beyond our ability. Simply blessed.

I can't wait to go back to Singapore, to join my families, my communities, my activities (non-office related).

Just my 1/50 cents today...

Another day is waiting...

Take care!

Live from Sidney (Mohede...)

2005-04-04T10:43:00.000+08:00

We met Sidney yesterday, went shopping with him for a short while. He showed us the picture of his baby, still comfortably snuggling in mommy's womb. He let us choose a shirt and actually said, "Well, because Linda likes it, I will pick this one."

He was definitely the same fun & humble Sidney Mohede. A glory of God revealed.

Live from Sydney

2005-04-02T22:08:00.000+08:00

Today, Saturday, April 2nd, 2005, reporting from Sydney.

I met my long lost friend, my primary and secondary school mate. We haven't met each other for 7-8 years. 8 years ago, he invited me to go a Bethany church in Medan. The rest about me is a history.

Well, we tried to catch up what's going on about us. He's now serving in Hillsongs. And he plans to get married to his Swedish girlfriend (doesn't mean he has girlfriends from other countries) this December, and will stay in Sweden. And both of them will start to plan churches in Scandinavian countries. Praise the Lord! It is so wonderful for them.

From the conversation, I got the important keywords. They are passion and vision. Both are equally important. Vision is what you see in the future. Passion keeps the vision alive.

I wished we could discuss more on this. As time went by, I had to leave for office, though it was Saturday. While all my colleagues were away for sightseeing in New South Wales, I sat down in front of my PC at office. God, why me? Is there something you plan for me with this?

As usual, I left office at 11+ pm. My body is aching. I didn't have enough rest. But I guess, I should just give thanks to God. It was a great day anyway. It was a day full of blessings. And I guess, I just wait for the right time, to receive a vision. In His time, I will also have the passion, as a burning oil, though the day and the night.

The time will come. I should just give thanks. That's all I have to do...

Thank you God...

A Battle for the Heart

2005-03-14T15:05:00.000+08:00

Sunday morning. I woke up early. Seven thirty. And I couldn't force myself into sleep again. It was the third morning I woke up early. Something like a battle raged in my mind, my heart and soul. I lied awake, but my mind was in the middle of a fight.

Two nights before, I had a discussion with a friend. He asked me several yes-or-no questions that I just couldn't answer. I still can't. The battle that I've been speaking about... this was it. I only needed to answer yes or no. But I just couldn't pick one. And staying in the middle for now is not an option. So the discussion ended with a note, "Let's just pray for it."

I don't think anyone has any idea how this has been the most familiar topic in my prayers, in my journals, in my nicknames, in almost everything... I just couldn't count that far. It's not a matter of some guy you've been trying to find out lately. It is definitely not about him. I can assure you that. It is my relationship with God standing on the line.

If I am allowed to trace back, I can go as far as four years ago. I realised that one thing happened at the end of the year 2001 has such great influence in my life. It was a wound, a blow that shattered my heart away. It was not due to one person or one guy. It was when the feelings of betrayals from everyone I trusted kicked in. It was an intense attack at my heart. Unfortunately, I lost the battle. I lost a part of my heart and worse... I didn't realise it for such a long time.

Since that moment, my life has been built around the event. I felt vulnerable. I felt foolish. I felt that I had made such a terrible mistake. Sadly, as I began to get over it, the second attack blew me apart. Again, it was not a matter of some guy. The epicenter was the things people said in the community that claimed themselves as my family... my church. And the wound got deeper. So to myself I said that I will never trust these people anymore. The wall of defense was built higher and stronger. It was so powerful I even claimed that I would never trust the term 'family', as in Family Altar. The battles continued. Each time I lost one, I lost another piece of my heart. How could someone love her God wholeheartedly if she had lost a huge part of it to the Enemy? That was a question I longed to answer.

Well, back to the Sunday morning. I sat on my bed and grabbed a book I had been reading, 'Waking the Dead' by John Eldredge. Eldredge encouraged me to claim my heart back. Every little piece of it! I had done that. In the healing service delivered by Benny Hinn the night before, I asked God to restore my heart completely. I claimed my heart. I said, "God, give me back my heart. I need it desperately this time."

That Sunday morning, the restoration began. God took me back to the past, a time and place where the battle for my heart started. The wound was suddenly fresh again. It was painful. It ripped me to the bone. I was heartbroken. The faces of people flashing in my head were those I had called 'my family', 'my sisters', 'my leaders', 'my church'. I held on. I followed where the Holy Spirit led me - to reasons, forgiveness, and more. The pain was still kicking in and...

"None of these was your fault,"
a gentle voice in my heart said.

It must be a phrase from the book again, I thought.

"None of these was your fault,"
The voice didn't stop. So I said, "It must be my self-defense then."

"None of these was your fault,"
Louder and clearer it hit me. I replied, "No, it was my fault. I was not careful enough guarding my heart and it cost me a wound."

"None... of these... was your fault,"
It started to look like a scene in Good Will Hunting when Williams tried to break through Damon's defense.

"None... of these... was your fault,"
"Okay. I get it!" I took Damon's part.

"None of these was your fault,"
I shut up. The voice pierced into my heart. I knew it was the Father.

"None... of these... was your fault, my dear."

I was silent. It hit me like a truck...

All these times I've been playing tough and strong, swallowing each blow like it was my fault, and getting on with life like nothing ever happened. Truth is I am broken inside. My heart is shattered somewhere. I was not aware. So the Father revealed this to me.

"It was not your fault. It just has to happen that way... for you to learn about Me, for you to have a true relationship with Me, for you to know that I am on board with you in any battle... and You can count on Me."

Yes, He's right. It's going to be different this time... because that morning He set me free. I lifted my hands up high and hit the air, just like the lady that had her kidneys healed the night before. I felt like jumping up and down. I felt like telling the whole world that I had been set free. He, the Lord of hosts, led me to the battlefield for my heart and I've won it back. I have won the broken pieces of my heart!

Now, it's Monday morning. My journey starts again… whole new. I have my heart to answer the question now. Yes or no? It's another story.

for Him I truly serve,

Linda,
an ezer kenegdo

Man Talks to God

2005-03-11T20:51:00.000+08:00

I posted this in my FA mailing list... =)

Man Talks to God

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Source: Beliefnet
_____________________________________________

Hehehe... I don't agree with the 'dumb' part... but well, I admit... it is dumb of me to love someone so much without getting any in return and still... I am enjoying it. God says I'm learning unconditional love. Silly? Hey, what the heck... at least I have someone to talk to when everyone in the house is away. And, unconditional love??? How big is that to learn!

Dear Lord

2005-03-06T04:02:00.000+08:00

Lord, it's me... being vulnerable again. *grin*

I met the third person this week who said that he and I belong together. The third who wondered why we aren't going out. The third who had no idea what I have been through.

I remember asking YOU to take this feeling away, but I guess it was not just a feeling. I recall begging YOU to take him out of my mind, but I suppose he occupies more than just my brain.

So I asked YOU 'why'. Why is he still around? Why don't YOU take him out of my life so I can focus on my ministries? If I was not created from his bone, then why does this story linger? If I was, then why does this story hurt?

I gave up. I had not a single clue.

All I need from YOU is an answer like - "NO. You both are not meant to be. Let go!" But it never comes out from YOU. There is no yes or no.

In my clueless state I came to YOU again, asking why I have to go through this.
And this YOU said,

"I want you to learn UNCONDITIONAL LOVE."

It was like a deep stroke into my heart.
There and then, I was silent in tears.

YOU simply take my breath away, Lord.

- ezer kenegdo -

Chocolates

2005-03-04T00:25:00.000+08:00

Have you ever received chocolates from someone you've never met before?

I had it 3 days ago. I arrived at the office (late, as usual), and found several pieces of chocolates, wrapped with transparant gift wrapper. It had a little note on it. Please note that I am using past tense, not just because it happened in the past, but the note was not there anymore :p

It was from one of my users I deal with all the time. She just left office and looking for another one. I have never met her. We communicated by email and phone. Who cares anyway? The chocolate is more important. Just kidding.

From the film of Forrest Gump, Tom Hanks mentioned something his mum told him about chocolates.

I have my version too. Life is like a box of chocolates. You don't know if they are still inside the next day.

By the way, the chocolates are gone!

Thank you, chocolate giver. Wish you all the best!

Speechless

2005-03-01T22:43:00.000+08:00

Today, I realised that I am humiliated
I am treated no better than the others
And that doesn't mean I am equal with them

After a year of hard work,
Burnt weekends,
After office-hours overtime,
Midnight calls,
Cancelled social events,
Extra efforts,
They just mean nothing to them.

In the eyes of them,
I am just nobody,
With nothing,
In nowhere.

In the world without appreciation
I believe
You need to recognize yourself

Now
I surrender to God
Who picked me up from dirty mud
Cleaned me up
He who blesses me all the time
Keep comforting me

I guess I need to wait
A while more
Before I launch a strategy
To turn it upside down

Meanwhile
I keep myself low
Down to earth
Everything is just fine

Patient is all I need
And I thank God
And I praise Him
And give Him thanks
That He provides
And He is always there

Thank you for your unfailing love

2005-03-01T19:47:00.000+08:00

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."

Source: Beliefnet

The road to Emmaus

2005-02-27T21:29:00.000+08:00

I am at the road to Emmaus.
7 miles from Jerusalem.
I am leaving everything behind.
I am tired and confused.
I feel deceived and despised.

I converse and I reason.
I talk of all these things happened.
But Him I do not see,
and nothing make any sense.

Little do I know,
that the Lord is with me.
He walks beside me like a stranger.
I recognise neither His voice nor His face
drawing near to me.

A hope has died within my soul.
The walk is long.
The warrior is wounded.

It is toward evening,
and the day is far spent.
The Lord stays with me, still I see Him not.

Until He sits at the table with me,
gives me bread after he has blessed it,
then my eyes are opened
and I know Him.

Now from my sight He vanishes,
but He has set my heart on fire.
So I rise up that very hour,
return to Jerusalem...

from Luke 24:13-43

- ezer kenegdo -

..going round and round...

2005-02-26T23:34:00.000+08:00

i just realized that hitting some dissapointment has poured cold water on me and waken me up...

..busyness in office. routinity, day by day. proposal to proposal. dollars to dollars. politics to politics. one nasty email to another. one rubbish to another. seems purposeless. tired...

..one writing to another..one convo to convo..one ministry round and round...i don't feel tired though..but just pray that the path is correct...

..one day to another day..with a hope to see the princess one day... and one hope after one another of a peaceful life.. Lord, I pray I am not losing my way

I am like a stranger in the foreign land and I do not know where I go...I still hope that there will be daily bread enough not to make us worried. I hope that there is a fire pillar at night to protect me, I hope there is a cloud pillar on the day to show the way. I hope there is a promised land as the destination of the journey...

I can't take it to see the sands of desert anymore...

Golden Calf?

2005-02-23T22:21:00.000+08:00

I've just got a call from a friend. Not an old friend. Not new either. I just haven't heard from him for quite a while. He was the one sharing a good ol' chat with me when the noon time got us drowsy. And he was the one recommending "the book" by Eldredge.

Well, he asked about an e-mail I forwarded to a youth prayer network's mailing list. The story actually started last night. I received a message from another friend. He asked if he could join the network's meeting because he is replacing his friend - a youth pastor who was in charge. So, I forwarded his message to the mailing list, hoping that someone would be kind enough to call this guy and update him about things ('cause I am also way behind). As far as I know, the network has been stagnant for quite a while due to some commitment issues.

As I mentioned, tonight the 'Eldredge guy' called about the e-mail. He said that someone replied the message with quite a harsh statement. I couldn't believe it. It is a prayer network -for goodness sake- and the members of the mailing list are church workers. Why would anyone post a bad statement there?

So, I checked my e-mail. Result? Positive. One of the leaders posted a harsh statement saying that we did a lot of talking, but never did anything, and that we're too busy with our own church activities. He pointed his fingers at us. As his last statement he also said, 'maybe we need a tsunami to strike to get us united.'

Disappointed? Yes. Without question.

It's not a one-in-a-million case though. I face it almost everyday. One person receives a vision to establish something for the kingdom of God, but in the end he loses the focus on the 'kingdom of God'. Then, he starts to say, "I want this ministry to succeed. I want a good branding for this ministry, a flawless service, a good management, an excellent organisation, a professional image, state of the art facilities...." Well, I'm telling you, he is on his way to building a golden calf.

Be careful, guys. I also fall into the trap once in a while. So God help me....

..teraduk gelora cinta dan galau..

2005-02-18T23:41:00.000+08:00

teraduk gelora cinta dan galau
teringat sepasang alis pelangi
dan secercah jejak senyum

kartu merah muda di hari valentine -
seceria kisah-kisahnya

ah, cinta mengapa engkau menyeret galau masuk
membentangkan sejuta tantangan di hadapanku
menyulamkan rindu dengan benang baja di hatiku

~14 Feb 2005-Jakarta~

What makes people fall in love?

2005-02-18T01:04:00.000+08:00

Too many sweet things said and done
Too much hope and too many wishes shared together
Too many moments cherished and remembered
Too beautiful to forget
Too precious not to fight for

Maybe...
too many nights dreaming 'bout each other
Or just...
too much and too many times spent on the phone

Could be...
too many heartaches, too many denials
'till you can't deny no more.

- ezer kenegdo -
can't deny love

Interview and Misc

2005-02-17T02:06:00.000+08:00

After sometimes, yesterday, I went for the first job interview in 2005. As usual, I applied to the position I am not qualified, so the result is always expected. The feeling is great. Though I know I can't do it, I still went ahead. I don't really care what the outcome would be. I just feel good!

Having 9 days of holidays at home, it's a little bit strange to come back to Singapore and resume the old life style. Days at home were great. I proudly presented my mum a handphone I bought for her.

On the first day of Chinese New Year, the first place I went to was the refugee camp for tsunami victims. I saw a lot of children, in which most of them has lost at least a family member. I believe some of them deserve to be in the camp. Some are just not, due to several reasons. The children looked happy to wear the new red shirt given out for the festive wear. I met 2 Dutch journalists, one spoke through camera lens, while the other trying to communicate to locals with my brother Freddie as an English-Mandarin translator.

I saw a lot of army, some were from Australia, some were from Swiss. I believe there are more nations gathering in Aceh. I saw a lot of pictures taken from a photo-reporter from Guangzhou in Aceh. With her colleague, they joined us in the reunion dinner.

Valentine time day was another great day. My flight to Singapore delayed for 1 hour. I took a nap in the afternoon, and joined 2 ladies in a dinner that evening.

And now, back to the same life. Contract is ending. I still don't know which path to choose. But I trust God, that He provides. He truly does. He never fail, not a single second...

Science of Romance.

2005-02-01T05:55:00.001+08:00

I believe all of us have heard the word "romance" thousand times. And there are thousand definitions and explanation on it.

Once, a woman asked me how I define romance. And I said "It doesn't matter whether it's late night on the beach looking up to the moon, it doesn't matter it's Feb 14 or Feb 29, it doesn't matter the existence of candle on the dining table. As long as you love sincerely, it's romance" Sounds true?

There are times I always wonder when one said, Greece is romantic. And I asked myself "Why?" Another said "He is romantic". And I asked myself "How?"

At the end of the day, I guess I would just leave it to people to define it. After all, who cares about definition?

Just my two cents.

The Meaning of Ezer

2005-02-01T05:54:00.000+08:00

Ezer means a help.

Source : http://www.ccel.org/pager.cgi?file=bible_names/bible_names.html&from=E&up=bible_names/title.html

Submission

2005-02-01T05:38:00.000+08:00

One Friday afternoon, Jan 28 2005, a colleague at work told me this. His wife one-month extended contract would come to end. Her boss would no longer give her an extension. She was in fury, gazing though the future with jobless. He himself has warned her to look for jobs, and not to put some hope on her boss. I sensed something wrong at the point of telling.

What happened? The wife submits to her boss, not the the husband. She trusted her boss more than her husband. Isn't it something not right? Now according to him, she would taste the result of disobedient. She was in total confusion. And she asked him what to do next.

Should we experience failure before executing obedience? I think it is not necessary so. Well, things always happen upside down. But funny the world we're living in. People worry for nothing, everything is in vain, as said in Ecclesiastes.

Ecclesiastes is a favorite book of mine. I always read it over and over again. I can see the absolute wisdom of God through this book. It is just so beautiful and wonderful. It enriches my life, and things are just become more and more meaningful.

God bless you.

Nothing

2005-01-29T18:16:00.000+08:00

"I pray He'll be my eyes, and watch me where I go..."

I really do. It's just like standing at the end of the road and there's still darkness I can't mend. I walk blindly and know there's something wrong with me. I waste every second and every opportunity to soar. I'm not standing now, too tired... it's hard on the knees.

I'm looking back at yesterday, wishing for a fight that would justify my broken relationships, praying for a chance to be someone who saved the day, hoping for a story to tell... my own story. Well... perhaps my life isn't that special. No rollercoaster ride. Just a huge stream of emotion. And I feel wasted.

...walking on broken glass now, making my way on a shattered dream, a path of thin ice... but my life is not heavy enough to pull a single crack. Yes, nothingness weighs on my back. Sometimes it is just another cutting-throat moment. And I realise that we don't need adversity to kill our spirit.

Eldredge

2005-01-23T19:22:00.000+08:00

Seems like there's an emerging movement caused by John Eldredge somewhere apart from this blog. Hehehe... Here's some report from Yahoo! Movies:

Braveheart Becomes Role Model for Christian Men

Saturday January 22 9:21 AM ET

Movies like "Braveheart" and "Legends of the Fall" are on the viewing list for men in a growing Christian movement that calls for them to throw off their "nice guy" personas and emulate warriors.

The book which inspired the movement, John Eldredge 's "Wild at Heart," has already sold 1.5 million copies in English and been translated into 16 languages, most recently Korean.

Eldredge believes many Christian men have become bored, "really nice guys" and invites them to rediscover passion by viewing their life's mission as having a battle to fight, an adventure to live and a beauty to rescue.

More:
http://movies.yahoo.com/news/va/20050122/110641451300.html

If u've read the book... besides Braveheart and Legends of the Fall, Eldredge also mentioned Good Will Hunting. Well, I hv to say that it's a must see. Really really love it. It's heartbreakingly genius!

-ezer kenegdo-

back to school

2005-01-22T01:00:00.000+08:00

i entered the gate of singapore bible college.

it's been a year i left my course half way. thot that i wouldn't be able to continue again, upon my decision to go back for good last year. (one of the greatest mistake i've ever made....)

mix of thousands of feeling. I saw new faces in the class. - and as usual hardly pretty gals in bible school, i dunno why - some students waived at me. most of my batch has finished the course. I am left with a few old faces. the lecturer later then apologize of not recognizing me.

class discussed the gospel of John. the deity of Jesus. a glimpse of Jehovah witness. "Jesus was an archangel according to them", one said. "and I was a Jehovah witness". "So then Michael was promoted to be the archangel when Jesus came down?" the lecturer made a joke. "how did u convert?"

"well, thru a series of demon posession and murders..."

silence in the class.

well, i love to be back to school !

Finally Love Gives Up...

2005-01-21T20:38:00.000+08:00

bip. bunyi sms berdentang.
"kapan bisa bertemu?"
sedikit rasa menerawang.
ini bukan masa lalu.

mukjizat pun tiada dapat merengkuh masa lalu
cinta pertama telah menikah sudah berlalu
cinta, hidup, hati, wanita
bersatu dalam sakit kepala

biar, biarkan masa lalu pergi.
dan aku pun tertidur.

klik. gambar friendster terbuka.
kulihat dia tersenyum manis.
cinta kedua baru saja bertunangan.
tersungging doa di pelupuk bibir.
berbisik berkat dari pencipta.

sumpah, aku tidak menangis.
air mata adalah mahal bagi seorang lelaki.
sumpah, aku tidak menangis.
karena besok hari libur.
aku bisa tidur sepuasnya.

biar, biarkan mimpi menyeret duka
biar, biarkan waktu membalut luka
biar, biarkan tuhan ada di derita
biar, biarkan ....

Ch.1: Gry, the tired grey

2005-01-20T13:35:00.000+08:00

Gry sought solace in watching raindrops trickling down the window pane. It seemed like it would go on forever; no, not the raindrops -but everything else. Yeah. Everything else seemed to go on forever, winding and turning without a finite end. His thoughts wandered. And when he realised that it was, he sighed, foaming the same glass pane he'd now failed to find solace from. Was there any way you could escape your own mind? Except maybe.. death? He shakes his head. Then in a slow gradual movement, Gry's weary body shifted to his left, his head now resting on his left arm drooping down like a tired old war horse. He sighed again.

In the shadows, people could only see the outline of Gry's features. His cheeks were full, and the eyes were a deep set. Greyish hair gave him his now more affable calling, by which he is more known to the village people; Gry, the grey-haired grizzly. His round shoulders and big arms made chopping woods all the more faster for the village people, and remembering the nickname all the more easier. Maybe that's why he's so popular with the people eversince he showed up at the outskirts of the village 2 years ago. Without memory and aid, he limped to the village before he was found by a farmer walking his shepperd dog. Things then went on as how it had been said, with him being very helpful, and the villagers being very grateful. However, stories about him were not all about axing woods and his grey hair. They say the lines on his face betrayed his real past. Stories of adventures and tales once told only to children before bedtime could seem so real when you put Gry inside of them. So it had to be true. Now they believe that he was a part of those stories; stories about dragons, and people who slayeth they.

-stories anyone?-

The Fellowship of the Sea-Minders

2005-01-19T10:06:00.001+08:00

With reference to the posting: "that big fish"

The Fellowship of the Sea-Minders

We pledge to tie the knot of brotherhood and sisterhood, to support and protect each other, to keep each other's secret, to share the dream and vision, to roam the journey and adventure together, to encourage each other, to fight the battle together, to be the angel of each other, and to beget the Kingdom of God by His grace.

One day we'll slay the dragon together
One day we'll dance in the sky in harmony
One day we'll create stories that change life
One day we'll party at the banquet together

:)

Woman

2005-01-19T01:03:00.000+08:00

Some men need to read the book to realise that woman is not the answer. Some just know it out of their pride. And some figure it out by experience.

One said to me, "Woman is not the answer. She's not the answer to your pressure. She's not the answer to your boredom. She's not the answer to your wants. Until you are able to handle all those, you will not be ready to handle a woman... righteously."

-ezer kenegdo-

Ordinary People

2005-01-14T13:59:00.000+08:00

Her name is Inge Verster. She is sweet and pretty, and -oh- very tall. Since she is a Dutch-descendant from South Africa. She works for Media Village - a group of missionary by means of media, www.mediavillage.info -, after finishing her YWAM mission training, as script writer and producer. Too short time for me to know her well enough- in the dinner time in Changi before she left for Srilanka for Tsunami relief work- except that I can be sure that she is a nice girl with a mission heart. And I know she loves sushi.

But she left me a few questions I could not answer.
"So, Henry..you are working full time now in computer line... do you really like it..? is this what God want you to do?"
Stunned. I kept quiet. Should I answer..'euer ..u know i gotta give my mouth something to eat and it ain't come free...'
"For me..my passion is to create story that changes live..." She smiled.

I smile too. She is such a extraordinary girl. I am only an ordinary boy. But with the same dream of passion.
****
Lunch time. Complaints flooded thru my ears. I have been trained to receive complaints from customers. And know well enough how to handle and reply. It's just that there's a little sense of bothering lingered in my mind. A little fact that it was a prêtre. Unhappy over something about the "I"? Well..

" I'm a low level assistant, Sir. I do not have any authority to address your concern. I shall escalate your concern to my next escalation point. " A standard answer surely can sooth his "I", I hope. As a matter of fact I got nothing to do with his complain.

Sounds that parish is worse than my corporate politics.

Or perhaps, we are all ordinary people. Short fall of glory. We are all fallen angels. The prêtre, is no elderly angel, but a fallen angel too.

I am a fallen angel. And so he is. I guess my feeling is better now.

******
But I still think that Inge is an angel, though...:)

that big fish

2005-01-07T01:38:00.000+08:00

"Do I really really love him?"

Gosh... if only I knew, if only a 30-questions-long quiz could answer the big question, if only a heart could tell, if only what Daniel Wallace wrote in Big Fish were true - that the moment you meet the love of your life, time stops.

Well, he and I... we've been through good and bad times, high and low, been near and far, we've loved and hated, we've had each other and lost one another...

Now I guess, we're just too tired to start over. And it's getting harder to believe. Is it just another infatuation?

Another silly question...
But then again, I won't worry my life away.
I'll just shine

I see where this is going

2005-01-06T13:43:00.001+08:00

haha guess some of us are really going through some stuff eh?

k. here's food for thought.

today, i picked up my friend's PDL book. i decided to continue where i left off. (come on, it wasnt entirely my fault, i lost the book! ok ok.. 'misplaced', cause i know it's somewhere in this house. somewhereis such a big vague word.) well anyways, so there i was resuming, opening to day 28.

voila. the title: 'it takes time'

haha well, somebody slap me. it does, doesn't it.. if u finished the book, i hope u remember the content for day 28. but then again, mr. warren said we're all slow learners; which is true, so you probably forgot about it. well, learning does take time, just because lessons learnt dont always stay with us by heart. we forget, admit it. come on.. admit it lahhh... heh

it takes both time and pain to grow. so if you're feeling the pain, rejoice! cause we're growing. changes brought about growth, and what change doesn't bring fear and loss? okay one dollar coins are not the kind of change we're talking about here, okay? grin. and loss causes pain.

pain + time = growth? only when groomed the right way. they always did say 'what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger'. it's half-truth. the other half-truth is in realising how much truth in that sentence depends on your attitude. your spirit.

i'm rambling here. so i'm gonna cut it off right here. haha. have a nice day people. PBPGINFWMY. this tomato aint taking in CO2 or any shortcuts to eternal maturity.

Can I feel the love again?

2005-01-05T17:28:00.000+08:00

There's a calm surrender
To the rush of day,
When the heat of a rolling wind
Can be turned away

An enchanted moment,
And it sees me through
It's enough for this restless warrior
And can I feel the love again?

It is where we are
It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer
That we got this far

There's a time for everyone,
If they only learn
That the twisting kaleidoscope
Moves us all in turn
There's a rhyme and reason
To the wild outdoors
When the heart of this star-crossed voyager
Beats in time with ours

Remedy?

2005-01-05T13:47:00.000+08:00

When I fall in love I take my time
There's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind
You can turn off the sun but I'm still gonna shine
and I'll tell you why

Because

The remedy is the experience
This is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy is that it's serious
This is a strange enough new play on words
I say the tragedy is how you're gonna spend
The rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends
When it all amounts to nothing in the end

I won't worry my life away
I won't worry my life away
I won't and I won't and I won't

- The Remedy - Jason Mraz -

Hey Sunshine

2005-01-04T13:49:00.000+08:00

they used to call me sunshine
i had the merry mays
and i keep the april wine
summer was my vocabulary
and singing was my line

i used to skip every half step
i'd dance every single beat,
and run every lap
wonder what happened then
was it me, or was it when

if you're there, then i'm here
but there' aint that much to hear
anymore than anything much to say
anymuch more than any just hey
you know i wish i'd stay,
but who's to say now who's to stay.
so hey if you're there.
hey, i'm here

ps. i'm okay yo, anybody ard to make a song out of this? haha

-i walk this empty street, a boulevard of broken dreams-

Deep condolences

2005-01-04T01:38:00.000+08:00

silent tears for those hurting
the earth cries for you
of countless tears
of broken hearts

of life and death
of hope and faith
of wishes and dreams
shattered by force

you ain't alone
you ain't forgotten
not another story
you're part of the grand plan

and He listens...

Dreams

2005-01-04T01:25:00.000+08:00

"Everytime I see you in my dream,
I don't want to wake up. " -ezer kenegdo-

he was in my dream this morning, still remember how it feels
when he gave me a big hug!
guess i don't want to let go, i don't want to wake up...
felt like seeing him again this afternoon,
so I forced myself to slumber *grin*
silly, isn't it?

love... why does it always hurt?

People of the Year

2005-01-04T01:22:00.000+08:00

in case you haven't read this:

People of the Year: Bloggers
According to ABC News, you guys are People of the Year. Good work.
"This week, their influence has become readily apparent. Dozens of bloggers have been filing firsthand reports from the areas devastated by southern Asia's deadly tsunamis." (Note to ABC: It's time for a new screenshot.)

Happy New Year...

2004-12-31T15:49:00.000+08:00

Buat segala teman dan saudara di: cyberGKI, Bethany, SNB, getLife, Kairos, Komunitas Penjunan, dll...

Today is over with millions of tears S
till everyone has a wish to live
It must be the dream
that keeps us gazing upon the crawling moon on the eve
It must be the hope
that the next morning is viewed through a shiny open window

Nepi ka hiji mangsa, nangtung di parapatan
mohokeun sagala hanjakal, sagala kapeurih, sagala kahina
Nepi ka hiji lengkah, nangtung ningali ka Gusti Yesust
eu bisa nanaon, teu nyaho nanaon, cuman bisa percaya

After the storm, there will be peace
After the long dark night, there will be blue sky
After the fall, God will pick up
After the dry, God will fill up
een bepaalde hoop voor nieuw jaarun rêve pour le coeur fatigué

Happy New Year...

selfish

2004-12-28T01:44:00.000+08:00

i guess i am.

all that i strived not to be, finally came into being.
how i started is not how i ended; the former causing the end.
one single mistake, i couldnt let myself into doing is now the one single mistake i cant forgive myself for doing.
irony cant be anymore sarcastic.

reeling from the fall, when no one's there to catch you.

help.

words.

2004-12-28T01:26:00.000+08:00

words,
are simply words
till one day they become truths;
truths that may or may not be enough,
but still be bold enough to pronounce
what was once merely words
had come into something
that was more
than just
words.

am i the right one, when one she left?

Say love is...

2004-12-27T21:48:00.000+08:00

Are you still in love with someone?
Still thinking that she is the perfect one for you?
Beautiful? Smart? Adorable?
That she understands you more than anyone else?
That she brings you joy?
Or simply... "She's just right for me" ?

Have you ever asked yourself...
"Am I the perfect one for her?"
"To be her strength? To protect her? To love her?"
"Am I willing to understand her?"
"Do I bring her joy?
Or simply... "Am I right for her?"

If love is just a feeling
of joy whenever she's around
of being understood and accepted, or
of finding the right one.
What a selfish love it is!

Say love is a decision.
Say love is an action.
Say love is about asking yourself,
"Am I the right one for her?"

Guess it wouldn't be that easy,
but I guess it would be that beautiful...

A way to say

2004-12-27T21:37:00.000+08:00

Touching the tip of your fingers
drawing a smile on your face
and kiss it like a butterfly
A way to say I love you
to say I wanna grow old with you
to say I am here to stay
and no one can take me away

-ezer kenegdo-

in the mood for love? me? hmm... not really.
just something i wrote in the cold december rain.
hoping someday i could copy this piece into a love letter, and send it to someone i love the most.

Wedding!

2004-12-25T11:56:00.000+08:00

I wanna marry christmas!!!
hahaha get it? get it?

merry christmas to sea bloggers and to all!
may christmas happens everyday till christmas happens again next year, and then we can wish for more christmases happening the year after.

lala

A Merry Christmas

2004-12-25T03:24:00.000+08:00

Thanks to Abuy, Iot, Rita, Owen, David, Eko, Irwan, Erick, Michael, Baplank, Darvin
for a merry merry Christmas eve (and a whole lotz of fun!)

Thanks to Sidney, Etha, Uthe, and the gank for a joyous Christmas celebration at Orchard Rd

Thanks to Tanjaya yg nemenin makan di seoul garden (walaupun ga ikut Christmas dinner)...

All in all, this has been a wonderful Christmas!
Joy to the world, joy to you and me ^^

Merry Christmas

2004-12-24T14:17:00.000+08:00

Dear fellow SeaMinders,

Wishing you a happy and merry and merry and merry Christmas.

May we experience joy, peace, and blessings from God forever more.

Let's make a positive difference to our community, with our mind, words, and thoughts.

God bless us!

Warmest regards,
Tanjaya.Tan

nothing's impossible currently playing

2004-12-24T07:41:00.000+08:00

i guess it's that easy

for things to fall into place
and break into pieces

here's for reasons we may never know, and those we will find out in time!

Family

2004-12-23T13:40:00.000+08:00

"Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind."
- from Lilo and Stitch

Does anybody ever wonder what's the meaning of family in
'family altar' (FA)?

I've stopped believing in it since a long time ago...
and it's getting harder to believe since then.

having diffculties?

2004-12-23T13:23:00.000+08:00

life is difficult and that is the truth. it is a great truth; one of the greatest truths. but once you realise this truth, then life would stop becoming difficult. simply because we already acknowledge that it is.

-wisdom from the road less traveled-

how so..

once you know how wide the river is, you can make a bridge just as wide. or heck. just swim across; you're mentally prepared now anyway. grin.

be te we

2004-12-22T13:01:00.000+08:00

i like green. think i'm getting attached to the color. so kudo's for the layout of our blog. pretty good lookin', eh? like us.

like us.

Ponder Ponder Ponderosa?

2004-12-22T10:28:00.000+08:00

To live fully means to live full of pain. The only alternative is to not live fully, or not live at all.

-wisdom from the road less traveled-

would u like a refill?

2 muffins and a cup of coffee

2004-12-22T01:24:00.000+08:00

Amazingly, yesterday (Dec 21), I woke up as early as 7am. Soon after that, my brain and stomach fought each other. My brain insisted to go to office as early as 8.15am, but stomach punched back for the sake of 2 muffins for breakfast. Shortly, stomach won the match.

I headed for nearest McDonalds, which windows pasted with 1-muffin-1-coffee-2-dollar ad. I ordered 2 muffins and a cup of coffee. The lady told me 1 extra muffin goes for 2.10 while if topped with 1 coffee, only go for 2.00. I told her I didn't need extra coffee. I 'gave' up in arguing, and brought back 2 muffins and 2 cups of coffee to a table. After putting aside one extra cup, I started to read Streats, Today, and Straits Times with full mouth.

After 10 minutes, I saw a woman on the next table, flipping newspaper looking for jobs, without getting any food on the table. I offered her the extra coffee, and she replied, "Why you buy 2 cups of coffee. Can refill what??" And I explained the whole story, and she kindly accepted my offer.

Is this what sharing blessing about? By doing simple thing that brings joy and happiness to other? I pray she would get a job as soon as possible. As I walked out and greeted her "Have a nice day", I had no doubt whether I should have taken another extra cup of coffee or not.

Merry Christmas :)

feels like december

2004-12-21T22:36:00.000+08:00

it always gets colder during this time of the year, doesnt it? this is very much the december i know. cold, chilly; even when we minus the snow. maybe warmth flew south for the season, or went into hibernation. either way the temperature dipped and is staying low; and i'm cold. no disrespect for the festive lights, choirs singing christmas carols, cranberry jam stuffed turkeys and mango puddings and everything, but this, sucks.

people could get just about anything they want for christmas at this day and age. it's really ironic that way actually. yesterday i saw a christmas tree in a small glass box, shooting up small beads of styrofoams (is that how you spell that?) that made like snow. so now, anybody dreaming of a white christmas can actually have it inside their own living room for just $49, inclusive of GST; prices may vary without prior notice. so it's true. you can get just about anything. just about. so are you getting what you want? see. how ironic.

just about anything, but not the very thing you desire.

sigh. i'm a sunday school teacher, and no one needs to tell me that it's really not about getting what you want. christmas is so much more than that. i teach hyper active kids who are obsessed with anything wrapped in a gift wrap or tied with a bow. i, of all people, should-know-better-

but how do you make short of longings? and when "tis' the season to be jolly" becomes empty phrases, how do you fill it up again? with what? maybe i'm being totally off-focused. in fact, i think i am. still, pardon me and my shallowness, forgive my short-sightedness, but let me be miserable for just a while. i'm probably looking for something at all the wrong places, and biding in all the wrong times. but i just cant help it. it's easier to teach the mind than to discipline the heart. don't you people know this already?

i whine and i pine and i'm still here; just ploughing through words, fencing my own thoughts, trying pin them all the way back to the deep recesses of my mind, a corner i made especially for deep dark broodings. so maybe having my own tower would be nice. at least i'll have space to store away those broods. and i'll be like surrendering, just admitting that 'hey, okay it's a tower. i cant do much anyway.' but being without a tower, out in the open, and still feeling hapless. how's that for a frustrat' d' oev're? how bout a glass of whine while we're at it?

maybe i'm in my own tower afterall. so why am i not trying to escape? sigh. forgive me Father.

-"it's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife"-
Alanis Morisette

shrek?

2004-12-21T20:55:00.000+08:00

why can't the princess save herself?
why can't she slay the dragon on her own?
is it because she's trapped inside the tower?
yes... it's gotta be it.

but, what if there's no tower?
what if she can break free from the walls,
grab her own sword and battle the dragon?

can she slay the dragon?
sure she can... but what's next?
she has no adventure waiting for her,
no more battle to be won, no one to save,
no one to appreciate her beauty.

the end?

well, i guess the great Author has written the best storyline
for her to wait for her dragon slayer,
to watch the battle with a fast-beating heart,
to be set free, leave the tower,
cure the battle wounds of her warrior,
and share his adventures ahead.

the end? not exactly...

(read 'Wild at Heart' - John Eldredge)

. ezer kenegdo . deciding .

2004-12-21T17:10:00.000+08:00

. ezer kenegdo . deciding .

Someone asked me 'bout my nickname today, "So, what r u deciding?"
I answered him, "I decide to pursue my dreams before I pursue love."
Then, he asked me again, "Why can't both go concurrently?"
I thought hard, but couldn't find the answer.

And so he said, "I also want to pursue my dreams right now."

I replied him, "Too many times love slips away from our hands.
The harder we pursue, the more it gets away.
So I guess it's better to wait until love comes on its own accord."

"It's easy for girls," he said. "But, for guys, it wouldn't be."

I guess he's right in some ways. Love has got to be pursued.
Something worth waiting for is worth fighting for.

Still I see one big question in his mind, "Which train to aboard?
Which path to cross? Which journey to take?"

The trouble with love is you won't get the answer 'till you get on board.

encounter with the 3rd kind. (yet to - )

2004-12-21T01:11:00.000+08:00

it's funny.

it's funny how when you go to a guy with a problem, he usually tries to distract you by talking to you about some other mundane (sometimes lewd) stuff. then when you go to a girl with a problem, most of the time she tells you hers instead and you end up consoling her.

so.. is there another gender that actually listens?

grin.

Thick Skin Journalist Wannabe

2004-12-20T13:14:00.000+08:00

simple, tanjaya.
wave your hands to the dancers from bandung
someone lend his jacket - a pass to go in
then walk to the gate
smile to the gatekeeper - ya ya.. give a peace sign with the fingers!
confidently, worse to worse just argue in bahasa
then there you are
walking freely in the middle of the forbidden road :)
sorry - it must have been a struggle for you in the crowd :p

A Thousand Expressions

2004-12-20T01:50:00.000+08:00

The same kind of love
Expressed in several kind of ways

A woman playing body ring at the age of 80

A small Indian girl watching her sister on her right
So that she remembers the next move of the dance

A family of 8, from Australia, playing different unique musical instruments
with techno-dance and song, asking "Where is the love?"

Hawaiians performing arts in traditional wear, came from place afar

Girls and boys in a brigade, sending love messages through voices

Energic youngsters, equipped themselves with rubbish bins,
hitting out loud in harmony

Our friends with thousand sensations and great smile,
touching with tones and pitch

And the first-timers, don't really seem so,
they are just perfect

Lastly, from a short distance in the crowd
I saw a familiar face, but this time, he was a photographer
Still wondering how he got in ;)

They are here just to great us, whispering implicitly
Merry Christmas to you
Merry Christmas to you
and Merry Christmas to you

Preparing For...

2004-12-17T21:53:00.000+08:00

repost from mindification

The fall.

I have yet to teach myself the feels of roller coaster, though i’ve been in one for countless of time.
My senses don’t seem to apprehend the experiences.

The desire to be on top forever has always been sided with me.

Maybe…

~Mind

Longing For The Tone

2004-12-16T23:34:00.000+08:00

repost from mindification

You know, that tone.

Which makes you cheer at that one moment, but dissapointed at the next.
Which makes you wonder, when you can do nothing about it.
Which makes you wait and wait, and still wait…
Which makes you regret, every other time.

Where is it?

~Mind

kesal seruan korban gosip

2004-12-16T01:11:00.002+08:00

sleep and unsleep

2004-12-16T01:11:00.001+08:00

It's always 'tough' for me to go to bed early. Not to say it's also 'tough'to wake up early. Yesterday, it's a little bit different. I scheduled an alarm in computer as to stream Class95 at 8am with loud volume, hoping that I can wake up early enough to be at office (9am).

I did wake up at 8am, and in half-asleep mode, I stood by the computer, my fingers then pressed Alt-F4. The music stopped. I went to bed again. The next time I woke up, it was 10am. I reached office at 10.30.

I learn that I can't really trust technology. It's there to help people, but not always and not forever. Funny enough, I received a Christmas gift today. It's a clock, SoftTime. Maybe it is the time I have to 'discipline' myself in the morning. And it's 1.32AM. Good morning everybody!

The Paradox of Eschaton

2004-12-15T14:42:00.000+08:00

what does an end or the end [eschaton] mean? without an end, there is no purpose neither a destiny to fulfill. if an end just an annihilation when all things gone disappeared..then the journey is meaningless..but if an end is a perfect state.. destiny we dream of.. a neverending happy story.. yes it worths the journey...

there are chapters in life.
every chapter has an end which starts a new beginning of the next chapter.
as long as we are still under the heaven, an end is a start and vice versa.
a happy ending is a rest to the restless
and will excite a new beginning

happy ending does exist
as real as the exciting adventure to roam
as real as the dreamy fairy tales..
it does exist...

ask your soul...

[iotch, ur strike is more powerful than i thot..*swordman's salute*]

what is so happy about an ending?

2004-12-15T09:31:00.000+08:00

i think the word 'happy' and 'ending' don't belong together. there's no such thing. any ending would be sad, and especially so if everything used to be 'happy' before it ends. don't we all yearn for eternity? of happiness? not a happy ending. nope. definitely not a 'happy ending.' it's just isn't real.

maybe that's why they only have it in fairy tales.

you probably have no idea what i'm writing about. tee hee hee

2004-12-14T18:26:00.000+08:00

it takes helluva lot of guts to go bungee jumping, or at least to take the first jump.

ever imagine how it feels like when your feet or any part of your body have no contact what so ever with anything grounded? free falling. nothing is having anything to do with you except for gravity, and the rush of adrenaline to your head. your fingers trembling, lips dry, and your eyes trying to focus on something to distract you from the unfamiliar sensation of having nothing fixed on a spot all around you, except for your body already reaching terminal velocity. wait a minute. arent we all famiilar with all that?

isnt that like trusting ahead? (not trusting a head)

it freaks me out whenever i think about making the first jump into something unfamiliar, and yet i do them anyway; almost half-numb and still knowingly realising that I have nothing to hold on to but -ta da- what? hope seems to be the only bungee cord i'm counting on to pull me up, but what then if that fails? hope kills? now, if we have no hope that everything will turn out for the better, then why go on? why not just end it? there's nothing to look out for anyway? cause it goes downhill from here.
d
o
w
n
h
i
l
l
didnt hope gave me the first courage to jump in the first place? that everything will turn out better, according to my expectations or not. so why doubt the first reason you are there? are lacking in faith?

love inspires, faith believes, and hope perpetuates.

is it that hard to believe in whatever befalls would be for the good, and nothing but the good? be inspired of faith, when u know that God loves you. and from faith springs hope that everything is for the good and the better of everything. have faith. hope. love. go jump!

..
.

sigh. i have no idea whether anything that happened today has sunk in yet.. it feels as if life hasnt changed much, when in reality a part of me is being taken away for some time, and i can count only on hope that it'll come back.

oh but God help me, i jumped!

At the beginning, again...

2004-12-13T16:17:00.000+08:00

This week is perhaps the longest 5 days of my life.
Hohoho...
As you all know, I am resigning &
will soon be unemployed.
Many many reasons I can tell.
But, one thing for sure... I decided to follow my dreams.

Someone wrote in friendster couple of days ago...
when you're finally sure about the dreams &
destiny you're living to achieve...
that's when God has called you by your name.

Guess He's calling me now...
If I stay, I could get a raise, but I'll be doing
graphic design the rest of my days.
And the essence of my "life" will be missing.

If I leave, I will surely face a great uncertainty.
Probably the greatest one in my life.
Am I scared? Of course...
I'll be in the 'wilderness' of faith and
guess no one will be there to help me.
But one thing I know,
I will "live"... I will be really really "alive"
Because I'll be in an adventure of a lifetime.
It will only be me and my Maker...
The real, the genuine,
the never-changing dragon Slayer.

Santa Clause Wannabe

2004-12-13T01:11:00.000+08:00

repost from mindification

Started with the longing to extend our impact for this little world, I (or we) decided to take part in Singapore’s Boys Brigade annual activity for Christmas. Code named BB Sharity wish tree.

A total of 8 kind soul wander through the busy worm of steel station in between our hectic kind of schedule.

In the end, much to our dismay, only 4 wishes left to be fulfilled, all thanks to the Singaporeans!
All four wishes the same thing, electric oven…
After quite a moment of research and found, we banked our joy on a couple of electric ovens.

Small maybe, but those old man and woman will still draw a fine curve of smile I’m sure.

~Mind

Greetings Lad

2004-12-11T18:27:00.000+08:00

Since gue post some of my thought di another journal, some of the things you see will be repeated between here and there.

This is such a great idea, to combine all the thoughts!

Let's see what we can unearth from this place. =)